While it’s true that I’m a strong person, I still have weak moments - and this weekend was one of them. Call it the human factor - and lack of sleep.
I know what I’m facing with the upcoming surgery Thursday
morning, but reality sort of hit me upside the head. Well, I don’t know if I should actually call
it ‘reality’ though. It’s not like I don’t
know what is going to happen as Mark and I have read SO much (and continue) about
my diagnosis, Bilateral Total Mastectomy (without breast reconstruction) - from
the procedure itself to, and after, recovery.
I honestly think what got me started was when I read about the sentinel node
biopsy that the doc is also doing (due to multiple locations contained in my right
breast). Since I have to be there so
early for the injection of the radioactive dye I thought that meant he was
doing that first and THEN the mastectomy.
Helloooo… freak-out time! Nope,
he’s doing it during the mastectomy (wipes brow). Been through one breast biopsy and do not
want to do that again.
Mark thinks it all came to a head because the surgery is 3
days away and it finally sunk in, especially since it all happened so fast – 3 weeks
to be exact from the find to surgery. Even
though he knows I’m okay about the outcome, as is he, it’s just the reality of
it I guess. With not much time to ponder
and prepare for everything, it simply hit me is all.
Still thinking it could be from lack of sleep. These 3:00am wake-up calls are getting old. Except last night it was 11:31. (h'm... ponders all the "3's")
Another part of my mini freak-out was my metalwork jewelry business. What in the world am I going to do about my
work and shops! Yes, I know, I should
not be the slightest bit concerned about that and focus purely my health –
which I am truly doing as that is most important. But, even though Mark works, my business is
my livelihood and I so enjoy it. This could
be a whole blog topic in itself, so to try and sum it up - most of my work is
online and trying to get your shop/items found via Google, etc. is a huge job
in and of itself. So, on top of all my
hard work to build my successful business, I started worrying (yes, I admit it). The thought of having to put my shops in ‘Vacation Mode’ – which means that I will
be entirely invisible - sort of stressed me out. Once taken out of
VM it takes a good while for Google to pick you back up, so to speak. So instead, I plastered my basic status all
over the place – NOT for pity, but so that my awesome customers and potential
customers know about when I’ll be back to work and will be at a slower pace at
I understand there will be pain, etc., and that full recovery takes months up to a year and varies from
person to person - as well as motivation and being able to stay positive. It also depends on the type of breast cancer, surgery,
treatment, etc. But mine was found early and as long as the SN
biopsy comes back negative, I will be cancer-free and no other treatment
necessary. I think that’s pretty darn
good considering what could have happened had I not gone to the doc when I did.
A final note for today... some people are
concerned that I will be upset or in shock after surgery because I’m going to
be ‘breast-free’, just to say it plain and simple. I can honestly say that no I’m honestly not upset
about that part as I guess I should be. Of course I’d
rather keep them, but it is what it is and I feel that is a small sacrifice
to pay for my health. Yes, I know there
will be a variety of emotions, but I will be okay – I have an awesome support
system near and far! I'll save more of this
topic for another post.
Peace and Love, Rocki