Monday, August 27, 2012

Reality Check - 3 days until surgery

While it’s true that I’m a strong person, I still have weak moments - and this weekend was one of them.  Call it the human factor - and lack of sleep.

I know what I’m facing with the upcoming surgery Thursday morning, but reality sort of hit me upside the head.  Well, I don’t know if I should actually call it ‘reality’ though.  It’s not like I don’t know what is going to happen as Mark and I have read SO much (and continue) about my diagnosis, Bilateral Total Mastectomy (without breast reconstruction) - from the procedure itself to, and after, recovery.  I honestly think what got me started was when I read about the sentinel node biopsy that the doc is also doing (due to multiple locations contained in my right breast).  Since I have to be there so early for the injection of the radioactive dye I thought that meant he was doing that first and THEN the mastectomy.  Helloooo… freak-out time!  Nope, he’s doing it during the mastectomy (wipes brow).  Been through one breast biopsy and do not want to do that again.

Mark thinks it all came to a head because the surgery is 3 days away and it finally sunk in, especially since it all happened so fast – 3 weeks to be exact from the find to surgery.  Even though he knows I’m okay about the outcome, as is he, it’s just the reality of it I guess.  With not much time to ponder and prepare for everything, it simply hit me is all. 

Still thinking it could be from lack of sleep. These 3:00am wake-up calls are getting old. Except last night it was 11:31. (h'm... ponders all the "3's")

Another part of my mini freak-out was my metalwork jewelry business.  What in the world am I going to do about my work and shops!  Yes, I know, I should not be the slightest bit concerned about that and focus purely my health – which I am truly doing as that is most important.  But, even though Mark works, my business is my livelihood and I so enjoy it.  This could be a whole blog topic in itself, so to try and sum it up - most of my work is online and trying to get your shop/items found via Google, etc. is a huge job in and of itself.  So, on top of all my hard work to build my successful business, I started worrying (yes, I admit it).  The thought of having to put my shops in ‘Vacation Mode’ – which means that I will be entirely invisible - sort of stressed me out.  Once taken out of VM it takes a good while for Google to pick you back up, so to speak.  So instead, I plastered my basic status all over the place – NOT for pity, but so that my awesome customers and potential customers know about when I’ll be back to work and will be at a slower pace at first. 

I understand there will be pain, etc., and that full recovery takes months up to a year and varies from person to person - as well as motivation and being able to stay positive. It also depends on the type of breast cancer, surgery, treatment, etc.  But mine was found early and as long as the SN biopsy comes back negative, I will be cancer-free and no other treatment necessary.  I think that’s pretty darn good considering what could have happened had I not gone to the doc when I did.

A final note for today... some people are concerned that I will be upset or in shock after surgery because I’m going to be ‘breast-free’, just to say it plain and simple.  I can honestly say that no I’m honestly not upset about that part as I guess I should be.  Of course I’d rather keep them, but it is what it is and I feel that is a small sacrifice to pay for my health.  Yes, I know there will be a variety of emotions, but I will be okay – I have an awesome support system near and far!  I'll save more of this topic for another post.

Peace and Love, Rocki


SueBeads said...

I'm sorry I am just seeing this for the first time as I haven't really been blogging or reading recently but Rocki, I am SO Sorry to hear this and wish you a speedy recovery. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know!

Rocki Adams said...

Hi Sue :) I hadn't been very active on blogging either up until last month and then this. I'm okay and will be okay and I sincerely thank you for your kind wishes.
Hugs to you!

Carol- Beads and Birds said...

DEAR Rocki
I think you really described your feelings and inner thoughts very well. I'm sure someone that needs to, will come across this post and feel relieved to read your thoughts.

I don't know about the on line business issues, but I do know that the quality of your work has bonded your customers to you.

The only thing that your friends and family can do is to let you know how dear you are and to pray for all to go well. When you need a little reassurance..well let us know because we are always here because we love you.

Much Love

Rocki Adams said...

Carol, you are my shining light, thank you so much! I'm back to 'abby-normal' today (normal is boring) and feel more grounded.

I know it will all be okay, but guess I need to go through the motions. You'll probably see more of those soon.

Big hugs and lotsa love!