Wash Away the Year and Celebrate the Happy!

Flat and fabulous - a few months ago, but I love this dress!
8/30/13 - 1 year of being cancer free since my bilateral mastectomy surgery!

This is a follow-up to my FUNNY How Time Flies post a couple weeks ago.  You can read that if you want to be up to date.  And if you're totally new to my blog, you can click on the Breast Cancer Survivor! tab at the top.

As mentioned, we are going to Sedona to celebrate my 1 year 'cancerversary' of being cancer free!  Take THAT breast cancer!  It's actually OUR celebration because Mark, as always, has been right there with and for me the entire time.  And what better place to celebrate than Sedona.  Well, okay a secluded island would be totally awesome, but we're perfectly fine with Sedona - our Happy Place.

Sedona Motel

We don't do fancy, expensive or elaborate.  We love simplicity.  We'll be staying at the Sedona Motel, which has been described by many as a "throw back to the 60's/70's style drive-up motels."  In speaking with Bill, the owner, when making the reservations, I knew right then that this was going to be a nice place to stay.  He seemed quite laid back, relaxed and friendly.  According to the online reviews, he's exactly like that in person.

The view from the motel is beautiful, judging by their photos which I have no doubt.  In fact, there isn't a view in Sedona that is not beautiful.  Red happy rocks and earthy scenery everywhere.  You'll see more of that when we return because oh yes, there will be pictures to share.

Rain is forecast on and off over next few days in Sedona as well as here in the valley, which will be absolutely perfect.  Rain is cleansing. Refreshing.  Hydrating.  Nourishing.  Healing.  What better way to wash away all the negative crud of this past year.

Okay, I can't deny that it will also be nice to simply be in cooler weather, with or without the rain.  Sedona is about 2-2 1/2 hours north of us.  We're looking forward to the enjoyable drive.

 

 

Rocki & Bullwinkle - let the adventures continue

 

This post isn't about the sad and ugly side of breast cancer and what it does to you and everyone around you.  Nor is about what I personally did and didn't have to go through.  This is a celebration!  With the one I love.  My best friend in the entire universe.  The absolute love of my life.  My soul mate and partner throughout eternity and beyond.

 

It's a time to be happy, as always, but happier.  A time to let go of any negativity that is clinging to us.  And, not that we haven't done it a million times already, a time to reflect on what truly is important. 

 

We're going to our Happy Place.  To breath in the rain cleansed air with every fiber of our being and breath out all the bad.  We're simply going to celebrate what is. 

 

Peace,

Rocki

Mastectomy Scars Healing Video

Hard to believe sometimes, but in exactly 4 weeks it will be 1 year since my mastectomy surgery.  While I have shared a variety of photos here on my blog, with and without a top, this is my very first video of my mastectomy scars.  In fact, it is my very first YouTube video ever.

I talk about my breast cancer experience, show photos and now videos in hopes of helping and supporting others who are going through the same thing.  Living life as a flat chested woman is not as scary as it may sound, at least for me it isn't.  I'm completely and utterly happy as I am and more confident than I have ever been in my entire life.  I won't ramble on here since the short video is pretty much what I wanted to say, for now.  There will be a variety of more videos to come.

Wishing you all a beautiful day!

Peace,
Rocki

Full Circle

Life has a funny way of teaching you things in a variety of ways.  For instance, from the time I was a young girl all I wanted was big boobs.  Why?  Maybe it's because society always portrays women as more attractive with big boobs, or boobs period.  I don't really remember why at such a young age I felt like that, but I always had negative body image issues.  

One day while playing cards with my family, my uncle asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  I told him "big boobs!" He and everyone else belly laughed so hard it made me cry.  I believe I was around 10 years old then.  I'm sure you're surprised too, but I did not wake up Christmas morning with big boobs.

During my teen years on up, I was teased with the name "Flatsy Patsy", both at school and home.  I hated it, but didn't speak out about it - just sucked it up and laughed with them.  I actually blamed my sister for me being so flat.  Even though I'm much older than her, I told her she got what I should have had and then some!  We called her "Dolly Parton" for good reason, until she got a breast reduction.  Apparently big boobs are a pain, but I still wanted them.

After having my boys and getting older I got a little bigger, but not like what I wanted.  I SO wished I could afford to have a boob job.  It seemed like every magazine I looked at there was a perfect model figure with big boobs staring at me.  Oh and don't even get me started on bathing suit models! 

Years go by and I still felt the same.  I used to tell Mark if we ever won the lottery that I was getting a boob job.  He would always tell me that I was perfect as is, would love me even if I had nothing, and that I didn't need to have surgery to change the person I was (gosh I love him to pieces!).  Even though I appreciated that, I hated my body and I dreamed of looking different.

So then last year I was hit with breast cancer and boy did that change things.  Puts a whole new perspective on what's important in life.  I'll skip everything else about that part as this post is about me wanting big boobs.  Like, FOREVER! 

A bilateral total mastectomy was immediately scheduled.  Back up... prior to the biopsy diagnosis, besides researching what we could online, Mark and I discussed every itty bitty detail about what was going to happen.  Even though the doc talked to me about it, there was not a single moment that I even considered breast reconstruction, for a variety of reasons.  Mark didn't want it done either and was happy with my decision.  I love that man!

Funny.  All those years of wanting and wishing for bigger boobs, life, in a mean way, gave me an opportunity (for lack of better wording).  I didn't take it.  I didn't want it.  I'm truly happy with my decision and have honestly never looked back.

Rocki - the new and improved Flatsy Patsy!

So here I am today.  Full circle.  Back to being flat as a board (flatter actually) and you know what?  I am happy being me in my own skin. I don't need boobs to define me as a woman.  It's who I am inside that portrays who I am on the outside.  I am more confident and adventurous now than I have ever been in my entire life!  I wear what I want, do not hide from the world and, respectfully, I don't care what people think.  It is my body, not theirs.

Even though I used to want big boobs, I've always HATED bras and only wore them when I had to.  Now I don't have to mess with them ever again.  Oddly enough, I feel free to be me.  That's one of the many things breast cancer has taught me.

While this was my decision, I understand that not all women feel the same and that is obviously okay.  Every woman has the right to choose what is best for her, no matter what it is, and I salute them.

Peace and love,
Rocki

Bilateral Total Mastectomy Photos - 6 Month Post-Op

Bilateral Total Mastectomy Photos - Post Op

 

This is another update for my online open journal in hopes of helping others that have to, unfortunately, go through the same thing and looking for information - as I did. 

 

Below are three photos of my bare chest showing the healing process to date.  There is really nothing to it, no blood or gore, just my bare empty chest with scars.  Like last time, I just want to give a brief little warning for those who may be a little squeamish, etc.  The photos are of just my bare chest, but for my 12 month post-op, or before, it will be entirely of me as I'm comfortable in my own skin.  You can find more photos and/or info in the top tab: Breast Cancer Survivor 

 

Photo's start below:

 

*

 

*

 

*

 

*

 

*

 

*

 

* 

Bilateral Total Mastectomy - post-op 6 months

Let me start by saying everybody heals differently and I heal slow.  Most of the scaring is still an ugly mean red and wider, while the rest is a light to pale pink and thinner.  The 61 staple scars are barely visible now.  In fact, some are gone.  My left side is more caved in while the right is flat.  The right armpit area still has a poofy lump (not cancer lump, just a lump area) but has gone down some.  It gets sore if over used, but nothing like a few months ago.  I'll find out Monday at my appointment the status on this.

Right side

My right side is where the nodes were removed and that area is healing quite nicely.  I'm not having any problems with that area, other than the lumpy part.  The drainage tube scars on both sides are a pale pink and barely noticeable now. 

Left side

Up until over a week ago, it had been a couple months without any pain issues.  But in my left chest wall area I'm having odd pain that goes into my back and left shoulder blade area.  The shoulder part feels more like bone pain while the other pain is, well, pain.  I do have mild degenerative arthritis in my hands and wrists, so not sure if that affects the shoulder area too (?).  I tried to research this, but all I came up with was heart issues and I seriously doubt that's what it is.  As funny as this may sound, I'm healthy otherwise, plus I eat a vegan diet (raw vegan as 4 months ago).  As with the right lumpy area, I will find out if this is related to post-op issues or another issue.

For all my wonderful online pals, customers, friends and fellow Survivors that have contacted me and asked how I'm doing and when am I going to post more pics - thank you!  I've been back to my "normal" (whatever that is) self and activities for a while now.  The only limitations really is I can't have blood drawn or blood pressure taken from my right arm - ever.  To sum it up, I'm doing AWESOME!  Well, other than the issues mentioned above AND finally over the acute upper respiratory infection, but hey... I've been through worse. 

And yes, I'll have more pictures than the ones posted here as I'm going to have professional pictures taken in a few months.  I'm hoping sometime this summer - and some will include Mark.   I can hardly wait!

Thank you all for your continued love & support for not only me, but for everyone that has to deal with this horrid disease.

Peace & Love,
Rocki

Open Journal - Current Status Post Bilateral Mastectomy



Me - last month

 

Guess it’s been a while since my last update to my Open Journal, so here it is.  Time flies when you’re rock'n life!

I had my 3^rd post-op appointment in November and got the green light.  Next visit will be later next year.  Healing is progressing on track and doc said to give it another 9 months or so to completely heal.  Wow, I cannot believe how long this takes!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing AWESOME, but just amazed at all the stuff you have to go through.  Oh and in case anyone is reading this and has no idea what I’m talking about… I had a Total Bilateral Mastectomy without reconstruction in August.  You can read more info in the tab above.

- The long ugly mastectomy scars have gone from angry red puffers to semi-angry pink, and getting smaller a smidgen at a time.
- The 61 staple scars are slowly disappearing.
- Still have numbness in a few areas, which may or may not completely resolve.
- Have mild residual discomfort that comes and goes.  Can’t really call it pain now.
- The creepy crawly stuff has stopped – THAT was so freaky!  That was from all the nerve endings trying to figure what the heck happened.
- The ‘lumpiness’ (as I call it) around my chest is starting to flatten out more.
- Right side (nodes were removed on that side) is my pain in the @#! side.  I have a big lump area there (not lymphedema) that looks and feels swollen, especially by the end of the work day or when using it too much.  I can work just fine and do many things, but still have to be careful lifting, etc. too heavy of anything on the right side.

I can’t wear snug or close under-the-arm fitting type tops.  Hard to explain, but it causes pain there.  I’m most comfortable in tank tops and sun dresses anyway, so that works.  Sometimes I just drop my arm out of the right side as it’s more comfortable - then I resemble Tarzan.  Make that Jane instead.

I am happy that I’m finally off estrogen, which I was instructed to do so asap from the beginning of this.  The side effects from that was pretty wicked, but I was able to handle it better than expected and am totally fine now.  However, while I still get them (not as bad now) the sudden hot flashes drove me nuts.  Made me practically strip and stick my head in the freezer – lol!

Some people have asked me what type of tops I wear and if I’m going to get one of those mastectomy bras or prosthesis.  Nope.  I’m happy as I am in my own skin and no, I do not wear a bra (nothing to put in it).  And no, I do not wear big baggy clothes.  I wear tanks tops/dress, summer spaghetti tops/dresses… pretty much clothing that is light, comfortable, and not confining.

I don’t mean for this to sound rude, but I don’t care what people/society say about women must have breasts.  I’m not dressing to please people.  With that said, not a day goes by that I don’t get stares wherever I go.  Most people just notice me and then go about their business.  Some look at me and smile and others with maybe concern.  I always smile at them to show I’m happy.  However, I’ve had two surprisingly unpleasant experiences, which floored me.  I won’t go into details now, but the first time was by two teenage girls in Blockbuster and the second time was just this past Friday at Sprouts – by a couple in their late 20’s or early 30’s standing next to me at the checkout.  THAT one almost made me cry, but instead it ticked me off more than anything.  Some people can be so mean… and ignorant.

 

Floral Handkerchief Bandeau Bikini Top (at Candie's)

I just have to share this bathing suit!  Yes I know, it’s December… but I came across this and fell in love with that top and I want it!  That’s all, just wanted to share.

 

Wow… guess I had a lot to say this go around.  I’ll stop here and will update again sooner than later.  I’ll also have more pics down the road.

 

Happiness everyone!

 

Peace,
Rocki

Mastectomy Photos without reconstruction

WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!

 

Below are graphic bilateral mastectomy photos without reconstruction.  No, there are NOT any before bare breast photos, but there are several post-op bare chest photos of me.  

 

Why am I doing this?  Because when I was diagnosed and scheduled for surgery, Mark and I searched the web to see what a mastectomy looked like in the different stages of healing.  While we did come across many photos, there were also a lot of before photos of bare breasts which we were not interested in as we wanted to see more of the AFTER photos.  So, this is just another means of helping and supporting myself and other women who have to undergo surgery for breast cancer and are curious as to what it looks like.  We're all different so obviously the healing stage will not be the same for everyone, plus I'm a slow scar healer.  

 

Am I embarrassed about showing these photos?  Absolutely not.  I have nothing to be embarrassed OR ashamed of - I have no breasts, it is simply my chest.  We are taking photos of the different stages while I heal to see how I progress with the scar changes.  I'll be adding more in the weeks and months to come as it takes 6 to 12 months for complete healing.  Also, once I'm completely healed we are having professional photos taken - with and without our shirts. 

 

The first 4 photos are before and after with my top on.  Please be advised that the remaining photos are bare chest only, with and without surgery staples, etc.  If you do not want to see that part, please click away before you reach it - warnings are in place prior to the photos.

 

Peace and Love, Rocki 

 

(note: I just noticed that some photos have odd coloring of me as if I'm covered in freckles more than I am or oddly tanned.  This is probably from having to lighten them up as some were kind of dark.  Just sayin)

 

Two days before mastectomy surgery (without bra)



21 days after bilateral total mastectomy without reconstruction

2 days before mastectomy surgery (without bra)

 

21 days after bilateral total mastectomy without reconstruction 

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

 

 

 

LAST CHANCE TO CLICK AWAY. 

 

 

 

IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE GRAPHIC PHOTOS OF MY BARE CHEST PLEASE CLICK OUT NOW!

 

 

 

BELOW STARTS THE SERIES OF PHOTOS:

 

 

 

WARNING! WARNING!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 days post-op, staples for closure and holding 'grenade' drainage bulbs



2 days post-op, side view showing where drainage tubes are located (each side)

5 days post-op, wearing mastectomy camisole

mastectomy photo without reconstruction - 12 days post-op

mastectomy photos without reconstruction - 12 days post op - smaller stapled section is where 3 sentinel nodes were removed on right side.  Scars below is where the drainage tube was

left side 12 days post-op 

61 surgical staples removed 13 days post-op mastectomy surgery photo
still have swelling and bruising

13 days post-op -mastectomy photo right side

13 days post-op mastectomy photo left side

bilateral mastectomy without reconstruction photo - 21 days post-op

The mastectomy scars will continue to lighten up and become less visible in time.  The staple scars will eventually disappear.

Bilateral Total Mastectomy Recovery Status - Day 15

My Open Diary update

All 61 surgical staples were removed on Wednesday (9/12/12).  I wasn’t worried about this part or expecting any type of pain.  Actually, I didn’t know what to expect, except maybe feeling like a giant piece of paper.  In short, the nurse removed the staples with a medical staple remover.  Mark said it was like long hand held type of tool.  It did not hurt at all and nothing to stress over.  Some of them I couldn’t feel being removed due to numbness, most felt like a sticker being pulled out and a few towards the middle section felt like a BIG sticker, with a little sting.  Easy peasy.

Doc said healing is still going well, but I have to stay off of my Ogen (hormone) - forever.  When I was 29 I had to have a hysterectomy (have 1 ovary & 1 fallopian tube, everything else is gone) and went into a brief medical menopause at that time (boy was that fun), but didn’t need hormones, then.  I also went through it again a couple years ago.  Short version:  I’ve been on this hormone for 15 years and while I wanted to go natural for years, I wasn’t able to make the switch for a variety of reasons.  So, Mark & I are buckling up for this ride. 

I FINALLY was able to start sleeping in the bed Wednesday night…boy did that feel great!  I had pillows around me to not roll over.  Mark looked at me, smiled and said that he hoped he could sleep during the night with me in the bed.   I’m like, “what?”  He said my smile was so huge that the gleam from my teeth brightened the entire room – lol, he’s so funny!  Next step: sleep on my side.  That will be in the coming week or so, but at least I’m out of the recliner.

Each day I’m slowly improving and while the below may sound like I’m stuck in bed and sick 24/7, I’m not.  It’s just that some days/times are worse than others.  I’m taking good care of myself and Mark is making sure of that as well.  I’m not on any pain meds, just Tylenol when needed.  These are the symptoms I’m having to deal with either related to surgery and/or going off hormones:

Exhaust semi-easily (has improved)
Bad burning sensation/pain in upper side chest area and under arms, especially after continued use
Right arm (node biopsy) hurts worse, feels like a cell phone to a golf ball under my arm
Swelling and numbness (swelling makes above it worse)
Range of motion about 60%
Tightness across chest is less and getting better
Nausea and sick feeling
Horrid hot flashes, major sweats and other related stuff
A little blue yesterday, but not too emotional (hormones I’m sure)
My hair looks like crap (yes, this is a symptom)

Okay so there it is in a nutshell.  Now to fix a bite to eat and slowly start my awesome day.

Oh and for the last symptom, that will be remedied next Friday.  My sweet hair stylist buddy will take good care of me as usual.  I love you Chelsea!

Peace, Rocki

Bilateral Total Mastectomy Recovery - Day 10

My open diary update.

 

It’s been 10 days since my surgery and while recovery is going well, the past 3 days have been a little rough – physically speaking.  Guess that is to be expected.  However, I really think that if I hadn’t had such a horrible allergic reaction to the meds in the hospital that I would be doing even better. It took forever to flush that crud from my body.  Can’t complain though, it could be worse.  Much worse.

 

After the drainage tubes were removed on day 6 post surgery I felt so free!  I called them my ‘alien tentacles’ because, well, I felt like an alien with those long clear tubes coming out of each side of my body draining into a bulb pouch at the end.  It was fun showering with them (not) and getting dressed (not) and sleeping (not) and… well, you get the idea.   So very thankful that Mark helped with that part, as he has with every other aspect of this life event.

 

While I’m still mentally okay with everything, physically I’m drained.  Thursday I was feeling pretty good so I did a little laundry and other miscellaneous housework.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t zooming around by any means.  Oh no, not at all.  But I was feeling the urge to move, so I did – slowly.   I did a little of this, and then sat down.  Did a little of that, and then sat down.  Took a little nap (this has been a daily thing so far) and so on.  I even made dinner that night.  Okay, that’s a lie – sort of.  I stuck Mark’s Lean Cuisine and my GF/DF Mac-n-Cheese in the microwave.

 

Friday I was moving slow and wasn’t feeling very well.  Like I was getting sick.  I even took a few naps and still slept that night. Saturday morning I felt somewhat better so I went with Mark to do a little grocery shopping.  Halfway through – screeeeeech!  The rest of Saturday I pretty much spent in the recliner (where I’m still sleeping) and the couch (needed a different view).  Today has been up and down.  Drained, exhausted and lack energy.  To be honest, this bums me out.  But, I’ve been here before and just need to get through this hump with patience, gentleness and understanding.  Which I have and will overcome once again. 

 

There really isn’t ‘pain’ to speak of, it’s more like a soreness or bad bruise type of feeling, along with spasms here and there.  Sometimes more intense than not, but nothing to take a pain pill for.  Still have the tightness across the chest and arms, especially on the right.  Numbness in areas.  Range of motion is about 50%, but I’m working on that and have a printout of exercises to do, so that helps.  Appetite has been off and I've lost 4 pounds in 1 week.  Now I know what all was removed during surgery surely didn’t weigh that much.  Trust me.

 

Funny how I thought that I would be able to jump right back into work after this.  Obviously I’m not 100% ready, but I do feel that I’ll be able to do something.  So, I’m going to start working a little next week and see how I do.  I’m not rushing it as I’ll be at a MUCH slower pace, plus can’t handle a full day’s work yet anyway.  At least I was able to schedule the orders that I have received to date and update my customers – my very kind and patient customers – with their ship date.  And even though I still have a ton of sold and expired items that need to be relisted, I’m not stressed about it one little bit.  I’ll do that when I get more caught up.

 

So for the most part, despite how the above may sound, I am okay and truly doing much better than expected.  While I knew it wasn’t going to be a cake-walk, guess I just expected too much of myself too soon.

 

Peace, Rocki

Rocki vs Breast Cancer - TKO

Boy, so much to talk about in just these past few days, but I’ll *try* to condense.

 

Despite the fact that I’m still dealing with some nasty symptoms from the medicine reaction, not including from the actual surgery, my recovery is going better than expected.  Both Mark and I are really surprised, happily so.

 

Yesterday was my first post-op appointment and it was a good one.  Both drainage tubes were removed and let me just say this – THAT was a weird experience. Mark stood next to me and held my hand because to be honest, I think we were both expecting pain.  For me, I can’t say that it actually hurt as it was more of a burning stinging type sensation.  The tubes (one on each side) had one stitch each to keep it from falling out.  The doc clipped the stitch, said to relax and then pulled out the tube slowly.  The right one was first and it felt like a very long noodle coming out with a little stinging at the end.  Next was the left.  Same thing except it stung much worse and I think my eyes bugged out.  I am SO glad those are gone!

 

The zillion staples will be removed next Wednesday.  I look forward to that one.  I asked my doc about the swelling, etc., he said it’s normal, that I’m healing quite nicely and will know more of how I’ll actually look in about 6 months.  That works for me.

 

Now we come to the final pathology report.  The 3 Sentinel Nodes (I thought he took 2) that were removed for biopsy were clean - it did not spread there. (happy dance!).  However, there were several more areas found in my right breast than originally noted.  Lefty had a bunch of mumble jumble diagnosis with one being Periductal Chronic Inflammation and Fibrosis, but no cancer in that one.  The good news… ALL the cancer was removed and no other treatment needed.  TKO baby!

 

To celebrate, Mark took me to Starbucks.  That was a tasty treat!  It felt SO good to be out of the house.  Since he also had to make errand runs to banks, post office and the store, I decided to tag along.  So breast-free me and my honey had an enjoyable outing then back home to rest.  More like zonk out on my part.  In the store, Mark asked me how I felt about being out in public in my natural state.  While I did notice people look directly at my flat chest, honest to goodness it did not bother me.   I'm being completely honest here and not hiding anything, there would be no point in that, the only way to describe it is I felt free and happy.  Maybe I’m just weird, but that’s how I feel.

 

To sum up my “condensed” diary post, here’s a few highlights of my recovery status to date.  Again, I’m keeping track of this for myself and with hope that it helps others.  But if you're reading this, thank you, you're awesome!:

 

- While no chest muscle was removed, it will take time to strengthen that area and my arms, especially the right.  Never realized how much the chest muscle was used until now.

- Tightness, numbness and some odd healing sensations.

- Get tired easily, but that is expected right now (been there, done that).

- Working on range of motion.

- Plan on working on some studio orders next week, but s-l-o-w-l-y.

- Still can’t lie flat or recline on pillows in bed, so I'm still sleeping in recliner.

- My bum is numb.  Just sayin.

 

I’m starting to think that “condensed” is not in my vocabulary.

 

Peace, Rocki

 

p.s. - To all my dear customers: Thank you so much for your kind patience and working with me during this time!  Also, I have a TON of Sold and Expired items to relist, but will do that in the week or so to come.  Currently for new orders, my timeframe is *at least* 2 weeks or longer.  I'm also trying to catch up with messages, please bear with me.  I had no idea of the support I would receive.  I'll continue to update as I progress. Thank you all!

Rocki vs Breast Cancer - Surgery

Surgery has come and gone and now on the road to recovery. For those who do not know, I had a Bilateral Total Mastectomy without breast reconstruction due to breast cancer (early stage), along with a Sentinel Node Biopsy.  The doc said the 3 nodes that were removed looked good, but he’ll have the pathology report on my first follow-up next week.  The reason for the node biopsy is to make sure that the cancer has not spread, which he feels hasn’t.  So, if that is true then I am cancer free! 

 

We had to be at the hospital at 6:00 am and were up at 4:00 am, so this made for a very long day.  After check-in, lab work, etc. it was then time for the radioactive dye injection for the SN Biopsy (biopsy was done during surgery).  That part only took about a minute, which was done by my doc.  It  was not painful really, more of a burning stinging sensation.  The radioactive dye follows the cancer path and through the lymphatic channels to the lymph nodes.  The doc uses a handheld Geiger counter to locate the Sentinel Node, which gives off a specific sound and are the first nodes the cancer would travel to - IF it has spread.  I found that part very interesting.

 

Pre-op was simple.  I must say here that from start to finish, every single person that we came in contact with at the hospital made us feel very comfortable and were super nice.  After pre-op it was time for surgery and the anesthesiologist gave me a little cocktail on the way that made me go nighty night, but not before giving Mark a kiss.

 

Surgery was about 2 hours and I was in recovery for 1 hour, which I don’t remember at all.  The only part I do recall at this point was waking up and seeing Mark beside me, holding my hand and saying “I’m right here honey” while they were taking me up to my room.

 

The rest of Thursday and early Friday morning was horrible.  Not because of the pain from  surgery, but from the anesthesia and pain meds.  I was horrifically nauseated, couldn’t keep food or drink down as it would come right back up, blood pressure very low and felt like I was going to pass out even if just sitting up.  My body simply cannot handle meds – in fact I rarely ever take conventional medication and when I do, it’s either half the dose or children’s meds, so that part was really rough.  After my meds were changed to the lowest dose possible and upping my IV drip, I did better. 

 

My brother Chris and his family came to see me Thursday, but I was still pretty drugged up so I don’t recall the entire visit.  Except the part where I got sick and Mark had to get the bucket once again – and my brother ducked out of sight.  Oh and they brought me a little gift - a little bird figure with the words: Live, Laugh, Love on it, so cute!  I also apparently ‘drunk called’ (more like drug called) my boys that night, which I do not remember that either. 

 

So now we come to the part when the nurse took off the compression wrap Friday morning.  I was wondering if I was going to have a reaction like some people were afraid of, but I didn’t.  Not one tear.  Not one gulp.  Not one bit of sadness.  The only thing I could think of was the cancer was gone and don’t have to worry about it coming back.  Then I saw the swelling, drainage tubes and staples.  That part made me a bit woosy.  Picture it this way… staples from under one arm all the way to the other arm with about a 2 inch gap of no staples in the middle.  Plus another set in my right armpit where the SN biopsy was done.  Long drainage tubes from each side of the breast area that drain into a hand grenade size pouches. I can hardly wait for the swelling to go down to see how it’s going to look.  I also started a photo diary for my own keeping from before and after throughout my recovery time, and *may*share some of the pics down the road.

I know this is long and if you’ve made it this far, wow, thank you! This is simply my ‘open diary’ that I want to keep track of and hope that it helps others along the way.
 

Friday at 6pm I was released to go home.  After arriving home, saying hello to our 4-legged kids and having a bite to eat, Mark and I fell asleep around 8pm – he on the couch and me in the recliner.  We didn’t wake up until around 7:30 am Saturday morning.  That was the first night of full sleep we’ve had in a while and it sure felt good! 

Let me tell you that Mark makes an EXCELLENT nurse!  While in the hospital and at home, he’s doing anything and everything from taking me to the bathroom, bathing me, emptying my drainage tubes, walking me down the hall, feeding me ice chips, making sure I have plenty of water, making meals… the list goes on and on.  I couldn’t have done all this without him, as well as my family, friends and many others that continue sending me their love and support.

 

On Saturday evening I broke out in a blisters that freaked me out.  After contacting my doc, found out it was an allergic reaction to the pain meds, was told to stop taking them and to take an antihistamine.  The pain actually isn’t as bad as I thought it would be at that time, so that was good.  Basically now it is more of a tightness, pinching, pulling type pain across my chest and armpits with stiffness, which is tolerable.  One of the oddest things is the crawling wiggly type sensation that I’m told is nerve endings, along with numbness in some areas.  Weird stuff. 

 

So here I am, Sunday morning relaxing in my recliner, where I’ve been sleeping as well, except when walking around the house for exercise. With the symptoms mentioned above and not being able to lift anything more than a cup of coffee or exert much pressure with my hands/arms, I’m actually doing much better than expected.  And with my first follow up this coming Wednesday, the drainage tubes and possibly staples will be removed, plus get the final pathology report. 

 

The road to recovery is underway and I’m following doc’s orders exactly so that I will soon be back to my “normal” self.  Normal… what is that anyway?

 

Life is good.

 

Peace, Rocki

Tomorrow is a New Day and My Hubby Rocks!

2 years ago at my sisters 20th wedding anniversary

Tomorrow is the day.  The day that will forever change my life, but not for the worse because (crossing fingers) the cancer will be gone.  I KNOW it will be gone!

 

So why am I not nervous about or crying over the surgery or the soon to be loss of both my breasts and not having reconstruction?  I’ve gone over it in my head a zillion times and can’t figure it out.  I know I’m not ‘normal’, but seriously this is odd.  Mark gave me lots of compliments of why that is and without sounding vain, I kind of agree.  He rocks my world.

With Lucas at Ian's soccer game "did you see Ian score uncle Mark?!"

You know, a very sweet friend of mine said to me yesterday that I should be very thankful to have such a wonderful husband – and I truly am – beyond thankful actually.  Mark is not only my loving, caring and supporting husband, but is also my very best friend.  People who know us, know how we are.  We do everything together.  Always have, always will. He’s my soul mate.  My life after life partner.  The beat in my heart.  The love of my life.

Mark's awareness bracelet

Mark has always supported me, stood by my side and cheered me on through many obstacles and not once turned away. We’re both there for the other no matter what.  Like the past 3 weeks, which sometimes feels like we time warped and other times like an eternity.  Mark has been with me every step of the way and so far has done the following:  research and more research; handling all the finances and insurance (as usual); rearranged the living room so that I can sit in the recliner close to him and can see the TV when we watch movies; bought me a post-surgical mastectomy camisole so I will be comfortable while the drainage tubes are in; bought me survivor stickers, awareness bracelets, hat and more and sent me sunflowers, my favorite flower.

I won’t be alone in the hospital either as he’s spending the night with me.  I told him that I really appreciate that, but he should sleep at home to get a good night’s rest.  Besides getting a look of “are you nuts?”  His exact words were “I am not leaving you alone” and also how he wouldn’t be able to sleep without me, etc.  I just didn’t want him to be uncomfortable trying to sleep in a chair.  However, I found out yesterday when the pre-op nurse called that I’ll be in a private room which has a sleeper.  When I told Mark, I got the “ha ha, I won!” from him – which I knew was coming, but that’s okay in my book.

1994 - office pre-wedding party

Well, tomorrow is a new day. A day of hope and courage as they say.  I know it won’t be easy, but I am strong, positive & motivated, surrounded by my loving and supporting sons, family and friends - and have the love of my life by my side, as always.  So there is nothing to worry about.  Guess that’s why I feel the way I do.

Peace & Love, Rocki