Why I Wear Pink

Rocki in pink

 

My favorite color has always been blue.  But pink butted it's way into my life.

 

When I was a young girl I did not like the color pink.  I despised pink with a passion.  I blamed it on the fact that I wasn't a girly girl, nor am I today really.  Then several years ago, for some odd reason, I began to like pink.  Pink this, pink that... I even had pink bangs for a few years.  It's funny to me that my pink fascination happened well before breast cancer knocked on my door.

Or should I say chest.

 

Now I wear pink for an entirely different reason.  But before I go on, please know that I completely respect my fellow sisters that do not like the color pink or the breast cancer awareness ribbon.  I honestly understand that the color pink and the ribbon do not define breast cancer in all it's ugliness. I honestly get that and the world needs to see the ugliness of it too.

 

So why do I wear, live and practically breath pink?  Breast Cancer Awareness.  Okay, and to make me feel like a girl.  NOT because I feel insecure by any means as I'm a very confident gal, but because it makes me feel... oh gawd I'm going to say it... pretty.  Not in a conceited way, just feminine I guess.  Anyway...

 

Before I became my own spokesperson for happily living life as a flat chested woman due to breast cancer, whenever I would see the color pink or the awareness ribbon, I immediately thought of breast cancer.  It's like something clicked in my little brain.  That in turn made me think to check my breasts, which I did do monthly, but if I'm anything I'm honest so yes I did skip a few here and there.  Hey, I'm human. 

 

It made me think about the breast cancer walks, which Mark and I did prior to me becoming a survivor.  It made me think of the many lives, young and old, that have been and will be lost until we find a freakin cure.  It reminded me to donate (to reputable charities) in hopes of finding a cure.

 

Now it's my turn.  Like anyone else that goes through a life altering event you want to be a spokesperson to help others.  To warn others, in hopes to prevent them from going through what you've gone through, or far worse than what you experienced.

 

That's why I wear pink.  That's why I support the ribbon.

 

Not for attention.  Not because I want to broadcast that I had breast cancer - my chest speaks loudly for itself.  But for the sake of others.  To make them think to check their breasts NOW. Go to their yearly well-woman appointments.  Get their mammograms.  And so on. 

 

Maybe, just maybe by someone seeing my pink attire, or my awareness ribbons, or our warrior tattoo's, just maybe that will ignite something in their brain to say "Hey! There's that pink ribbon - that's for breast cancer awareness, I better check mine" - or something like that.  



 

Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Anklet Band
I have to wear it on my ankle because my wrists are way too small



Pink.  Whether I like it or not it is a part of me.  So until a cure is found I will continue on my path to inform others any way I can.  Until my very last breath.

Peace,
Rocki

Open Journal - Current Status Post Bilateral Mastectomy



Me - last month

 

Guess it’s been a while since my last update to my Open Journal, so here it is.  Time flies when you’re rock'n life!

I had my 3^rd post-op appointment in November and got the green light.  Next visit will be later next year.  Healing is progressing on track and doc said to give it another 9 months or so to completely heal.  Wow, I cannot believe how long this takes!  Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing AWESOME, but just amazed at all the stuff you have to go through.  Oh and in case anyone is reading this and has no idea what I’m talking about… I had a Total Bilateral Mastectomy without reconstruction in August.  You can read more info in the tab above.

- The long ugly mastectomy scars have gone from angry red puffers to semi-angry pink, and getting smaller a smidgen at a time.
- The 61 staple scars are slowly disappearing.
- Still have numbness in a few areas, which may or may not completely resolve.
- Have mild residual discomfort that comes and goes.  Can’t really call it pain now.
- The creepy crawly stuff has stopped – THAT was so freaky!  That was from all the nerve endings trying to figure what the heck happened.
- The ‘lumpiness’ (as I call it) around my chest is starting to flatten out more.
- Right side (nodes were removed on that side) is my pain in the @#! side.  I have a big lump area there (not lymphedema) that looks and feels swollen, especially by the end of the work day or when using it too much.  I can work just fine and do many things, but still have to be careful lifting, etc. too heavy of anything on the right side.

I can’t wear snug or close under-the-arm fitting type tops.  Hard to explain, but it causes pain there.  I’m most comfortable in tank tops and sun dresses anyway, so that works.  Sometimes I just drop my arm out of the right side as it’s more comfortable - then I resemble Tarzan.  Make that Jane instead.

I am happy that I’m finally off estrogen, which I was instructed to do so asap from the beginning of this.  The side effects from that was pretty wicked, but I was able to handle it better than expected and am totally fine now.  However, while I still get them (not as bad now) the sudden hot flashes drove me nuts.  Made me practically strip and stick my head in the freezer – lol!

Some people have asked me what type of tops I wear and if I’m going to get one of those mastectomy bras or prosthesis.  Nope.  I’m happy as I am in my own skin and no, I do not wear a bra (nothing to put in it).  And no, I do not wear big baggy clothes.  I wear tanks tops/dress, summer spaghetti tops/dresses… pretty much clothing that is light, comfortable, and not confining.

I don’t mean for this to sound rude, but I don’t care what people/society say about women must have breasts.  I’m not dressing to please people.  With that said, not a day goes by that I don’t get stares wherever I go.  Most people just notice me and then go about their business.  Some look at me and smile and others with maybe concern.  I always smile at them to show I’m happy.  However, I’ve had two surprisingly unpleasant experiences, which floored me.  I won’t go into details now, but the first time was by two teenage girls in Blockbuster and the second time was just this past Friday at Sprouts – by a couple in their late 20’s or early 30’s standing next to me at the checkout.  THAT one almost made me cry, but instead it ticked me off more than anything.  Some people can be so mean… and ignorant.

 

Floral Handkerchief Bandeau Bikini Top (at Candie's)

I just have to share this bathing suit!  Yes I know, it’s December… but I came across this and fell in love with that top and I want it!  That’s all, just wanted to share.

 

Wow… guess I had a lot to say this go around.  I’ll stop here and will update again sooner than later.  I’ll also have more pics down the road.

 

Happiness everyone!

 

Peace,
Rocki

Bilateral Total Mastectomy Recovery Status - Day 15

My Open Diary update

All 61 surgical staples were removed on Wednesday (9/12/12).  I wasn’t worried about this part or expecting any type of pain.  Actually, I didn’t know what to expect, except maybe feeling like a giant piece of paper.  In short, the nurse removed the staples with a medical staple remover.  Mark said it was like long hand held type of tool.  It did not hurt at all and nothing to stress over.  Some of them I couldn’t feel being removed due to numbness, most felt like a sticker being pulled out and a few towards the middle section felt like a BIG sticker, with a little sting.  Easy peasy.

Doc said healing is still going well, but I have to stay off of my Ogen (hormone) - forever.  When I was 29 I had to have a hysterectomy (have 1 ovary & 1 fallopian tube, everything else is gone) and went into a brief medical menopause at that time (boy was that fun), but didn’t need hormones, then.  I also went through it again a couple years ago.  Short version:  I’ve been on this hormone for 15 years and while I wanted to go natural for years, I wasn’t able to make the switch for a variety of reasons.  So, Mark & I are buckling up for this ride. 

I FINALLY was able to start sleeping in the bed Wednesday night…boy did that feel great!  I had pillows around me to not roll over.  Mark looked at me, smiled and said that he hoped he could sleep during the night with me in the bed.   I’m like, “what?”  He said my smile was so huge that the gleam from my teeth brightened the entire room – lol, he’s so funny!  Next step: sleep on my side.  That will be in the coming week or so, but at least I’m out of the recliner.

Each day I’m slowly improving and while the below may sound like I’m stuck in bed and sick 24/7, I’m not.  It’s just that some days/times are worse than others.  I’m taking good care of myself and Mark is making sure of that as well.  I’m not on any pain meds, just Tylenol when needed.  These are the symptoms I’m having to deal with either related to surgery and/or going off hormones:

Exhaust semi-easily (has improved)
Bad burning sensation/pain in upper side chest area and under arms, especially after continued use
Right arm (node biopsy) hurts worse, feels like a cell phone to a golf ball under my arm
Swelling and numbness (swelling makes above it worse)
Range of motion about 60%
Tightness across chest is less and getting better
Nausea and sick feeling
Horrid hot flashes, major sweats and other related stuff
A little blue yesterday, but not too emotional (hormones I’m sure)
My hair looks like crap (yes, this is a symptom)

Okay so there it is in a nutshell.  Now to fix a bite to eat and slowly start my awesome day.

Oh and for the last symptom, that will be remedied next Friday.  My sweet hair stylist buddy will take good care of me as usual.  I love you Chelsea!

Peace, Rocki

Rocki vs Breast Cancer - TKO

Boy, so much to talk about in just these past few days, but I’ll *try* to condense.

 

Despite the fact that I’m still dealing with some nasty symptoms from the medicine reaction, not including from the actual surgery, my recovery is going better than expected.  Both Mark and I are really surprised, happily so.

 

Yesterday was my first post-op appointment and it was a good one.  Both drainage tubes were removed and let me just say this – THAT was a weird experience. Mark stood next to me and held my hand because to be honest, I think we were both expecting pain.  For me, I can’t say that it actually hurt as it was more of a burning stinging type sensation.  The tubes (one on each side) had one stitch each to keep it from falling out.  The doc clipped the stitch, said to relax and then pulled out the tube slowly.  The right one was first and it felt like a very long noodle coming out with a little stinging at the end.  Next was the left.  Same thing except it stung much worse and I think my eyes bugged out.  I am SO glad those are gone!

 

The zillion staples will be removed next Wednesday.  I look forward to that one.  I asked my doc about the swelling, etc., he said it’s normal, that I’m healing quite nicely and will know more of how I’ll actually look in about 6 months.  That works for me.

 

Now we come to the final pathology report.  The 3 Sentinel Nodes (I thought he took 2) that were removed for biopsy were clean - it did not spread there. (happy dance!).  However, there were several more areas found in my right breast than originally noted.  Lefty had a bunch of mumble jumble diagnosis with one being Periductal Chronic Inflammation and Fibrosis, but no cancer in that one.  The good news… ALL the cancer was removed and no other treatment needed.  TKO baby!

 

To celebrate, Mark took me to Starbucks.  That was a tasty treat!  It felt SO good to be out of the house.  Since he also had to make errand runs to banks, post office and the store, I decided to tag along.  So breast-free me and my honey had an enjoyable outing then back home to rest.  More like zonk out on my part.  In the store, Mark asked me how I felt about being out in public in my natural state.  While I did notice people look directly at my flat chest, honest to goodness it did not bother me.   I'm being completely honest here and not hiding anything, there would be no point in that, the only way to describe it is I felt free and happy.  Maybe I’m just weird, but that’s how I feel.

 

To sum up my “condensed” diary post, here’s a few highlights of my recovery status to date.  Again, I’m keeping track of this for myself and with hope that it helps others.  But if you're reading this, thank you, you're awesome!:

 

- While no chest muscle was removed, it will take time to strengthen that area and my arms, especially the right.  Never realized how much the chest muscle was used until now.

- Tightness, numbness and some odd healing sensations.

- Get tired easily, but that is expected right now (been there, done that).

- Working on range of motion.

- Plan on working on some studio orders next week, but s-l-o-w-l-y.

- Still can’t lie flat or recline on pillows in bed, so I'm still sleeping in recliner.

- My bum is numb.  Just sayin.

 

I’m starting to think that “condensed” is not in my vocabulary.

 

Peace, Rocki

 

p.s. - To all my dear customers: Thank you so much for your kind patience and working with me during this time!  Also, I have a TON of Sold and Expired items to relist, but will do that in the week or so to come.  Currently for new orders, my timeframe is *at least* 2 weeks or longer.  I'm also trying to catch up with messages, please bear with me.  I had no idea of the support I would receive.  I'll continue to update as I progress. Thank you all!

Rocki vs Breast Cancer - Surgery

Surgery has come and gone and now on the road to recovery. For those who do not know, I had a Bilateral Total Mastectomy without breast reconstruction due to breast cancer (early stage), along with a Sentinel Node Biopsy.  The doc said the 3 nodes that were removed looked good, but he’ll have the pathology report on my first follow-up next week.  The reason for the node biopsy is to make sure that the cancer has not spread, which he feels hasn’t.  So, if that is true then I am cancer free! 

 

We had to be at the hospital at 6:00 am and were up at 4:00 am, so this made for a very long day.  After check-in, lab work, etc. it was then time for the radioactive dye injection for the SN Biopsy (biopsy was done during surgery).  That part only took about a minute, which was done by my doc.  It  was not painful really, more of a burning stinging sensation.  The radioactive dye follows the cancer path and through the lymphatic channels to the lymph nodes.  The doc uses a handheld Geiger counter to locate the Sentinel Node, which gives off a specific sound and are the first nodes the cancer would travel to - IF it has spread.  I found that part very interesting.

 

Pre-op was simple.  I must say here that from start to finish, every single person that we came in contact with at the hospital made us feel very comfortable and were super nice.  After pre-op it was time for surgery and the anesthesiologist gave me a little cocktail on the way that made me go nighty night, but not before giving Mark a kiss.

 

Surgery was about 2 hours and I was in recovery for 1 hour, which I don’t remember at all.  The only part I do recall at this point was waking up and seeing Mark beside me, holding my hand and saying “I’m right here honey” while they were taking me up to my room.

 

The rest of Thursday and early Friday morning was horrible.  Not because of the pain from  surgery, but from the anesthesia and pain meds.  I was horrifically nauseated, couldn’t keep food or drink down as it would come right back up, blood pressure very low and felt like I was going to pass out even if just sitting up.  My body simply cannot handle meds – in fact I rarely ever take conventional medication and when I do, it’s either half the dose or children’s meds, so that part was really rough.  After my meds were changed to the lowest dose possible and upping my IV drip, I did better. 

 

My brother Chris and his family came to see me Thursday, but I was still pretty drugged up so I don’t recall the entire visit.  Except the part where I got sick and Mark had to get the bucket once again – and my brother ducked out of sight.  Oh and they brought me a little gift - a little bird figure with the words: Live, Laugh, Love on it, so cute!  I also apparently ‘drunk called’ (more like drug called) my boys that night, which I do not remember that either. 

 

So now we come to the part when the nurse took off the compression wrap Friday morning.  I was wondering if I was going to have a reaction like some people were afraid of, but I didn’t.  Not one tear.  Not one gulp.  Not one bit of sadness.  The only thing I could think of was the cancer was gone and don’t have to worry about it coming back.  Then I saw the swelling, drainage tubes and staples.  That part made me a bit woosy.  Picture it this way… staples from under one arm all the way to the other arm with about a 2 inch gap of no staples in the middle.  Plus another set in my right armpit where the SN biopsy was done.  Long drainage tubes from each side of the breast area that drain into a hand grenade size pouches. I can hardly wait for the swelling to go down to see how it’s going to look.  I also started a photo diary for my own keeping from before and after throughout my recovery time, and *may*share some of the pics down the road.

I know this is long and if you’ve made it this far, wow, thank you! This is simply my ‘open diary’ that I want to keep track of and hope that it helps others along the way.
 

Friday at 6pm I was released to go home.  After arriving home, saying hello to our 4-legged kids and having a bite to eat, Mark and I fell asleep around 8pm – he on the couch and me in the recliner.  We didn’t wake up until around 7:30 am Saturday morning.  That was the first night of full sleep we’ve had in a while and it sure felt good! 

Let me tell you that Mark makes an EXCELLENT nurse!  While in the hospital and at home, he’s doing anything and everything from taking me to the bathroom, bathing me, emptying my drainage tubes, walking me down the hall, feeding me ice chips, making sure I have plenty of water, making meals… the list goes on and on.  I couldn’t have done all this without him, as well as my family, friends and many others that continue sending me their love and support.

 

On Saturday evening I broke out in a blisters that freaked me out.  After contacting my doc, found out it was an allergic reaction to the pain meds, was told to stop taking them and to take an antihistamine.  The pain actually isn’t as bad as I thought it would be at that time, so that was good.  Basically now it is more of a tightness, pinching, pulling type pain across my chest and armpits with stiffness, which is tolerable.  One of the oddest things is the crawling wiggly type sensation that I’m told is nerve endings, along with numbness in some areas.  Weird stuff. 

 

So here I am, Sunday morning relaxing in my recliner, where I’ve been sleeping as well, except when walking around the house for exercise. With the symptoms mentioned above and not being able to lift anything more than a cup of coffee or exert much pressure with my hands/arms, I’m actually doing much better than expected.  And with my first follow up this coming Wednesday, the drainage tubes and possibly staples will be removed, plus get the final pathology report. 

 

The road to recovery is underway and I’m following doc’s orders exactly so that I will soon be back to my “normal” self.  Normal… what is that anyway?

 

Life is good.

 

Peace, Rocki

Tomorrow is a New Day and My Hubby Rocks!

2 years ago at my sisters 20th wedding anniversary

Tomorrow is the day.  The day that will forever change my life, but not for the worse because (crossing fingers) the cancer will be gone.  I KNOW it will be gone!

 

So why am I not nervous about or crying over the surgery or the soon to be loss of both my breasts and not having reconstruction?  I’ve gone over it in my head a zillion times and can’t figure it out.  I know I’m not ‘normal’, but seriously this is odd.  Mark gave me lots of compliments of why that is and without sounding vain, I kind of agree.  He rocks my world.

With Lucas at Ian's soccer game "did you see Ian score uncle Mark?!"

You know, a very sweet friend of mine said to me yesterday that I should be very thankful to have such a wonderful husband – and I truly am – beyond thankful actually.  Mark is not only my loving, caring and supporting husband, but is also my very best friend.  People who know us, know how we are.  We do everything together.  Always have, always will. He’s my soul mate.  My life after life partner.  The beat in my heart.  The love of my life.

Mark's awareness bracelet

Mark has always supported me, stood by my side and cheered me on through many obstacles and not once turned away. We’re both there for the other no matter what.  Like the past 3 weeks, which sometimes feels like we time warped and other times like an eternity.  Mark has been with me every step of the way and so far has done the following:  research and more research; handling all the finances and insurance (as usual); rearranged the living room so that I can sit in the recliner close to him and can see the TV when we watch movies; bought me a post-surgical mastectomy camisole so I will be comfortable while the drainage tubes are in; bought me survivor stickers, awareness bracelets, hat and more and sent me sunflowers, my favorite flower.

I won’t be alone in the hospital either as he’s spending the night with me.  I told him that I really appreciate that, but he should sleep at home to get a good night’s rest.  Besides getting a look of “are you nuts?”  His exact words were “I am not leaving you alone” and also how he wouldn’t be able to sleep without me, etc.  I just didn’t want him to be uncomfortable trying to sleep in a chair.  However, I found out yesterday when the pre-op nurse called that I’ll be in a private room which has a sleeper.  When I told Mark, I got the “ha ha, I won!” from him – which I knew was coming, but that’s okay in my book.

1994 - office pre-wedding party

Well, tomorrow is a new day. A day of hope and courage as they say.  I know it won’t be easy, but I am strong, positive & motivated, surrounded by my loving and supporting sons, family and friends - and have the love of my life by my side, as always.  So there is nothing to worry about.  Guess that’s why I feel the way I do.

Peace & Love, Rocki

Reality Check - 3 days until surgery

While it’s true that I’m a strong person, I still have weak moments - and this weekend was one of them.  Call it the human factor - and lack of sleep.

I know what I’m facing with the upcoming surgery Thursday morning, but reality sort of hit me upside the head.  Well, I don’t know if I should actually call it ‘reality’ though.  It’s not like I don’t know what is going to happen as Mark and I have read SO much (and continue) about my diagnosis, Bilateral Total Mastectomy (without breast reconstruction) - from the procedure itself to, and after, recovery.  I honestly think what got me started was when I read about the sentinel node biopsy that the doc is also doing (due to multiple locations contained in my right breast).  Since I have to be there so early for the injection of the radioactive dye I thought that meant he was doing that first and THEN the mastectomy.  Helloooo… freak-out time!  Nope, he’s doing it during the mastectomy (wipes brow).  Been through one breast biopsy and do not want to do that again.

Mark thinks it all came to a head because the surgery is 3 days away and it finally sunk in, especially since it all happened so fast – 3 weeks to be exact from the find to surgery.  Even though he knows I’m okay about the outcome, as is he, it’s just the reality of it I guess.  With not much time to ponder and prepare for everything, it simply hit me is all. 

Still thinking it could be from lack of sleep. These 3:00am wake-up calls are getting old. Except last night it was 11:31. (h'm... ponders all the "3's")

Another part of my mini freak-out was my metalwork jewelry business.  What in the world am I going to do about my work and shops!  Yes, I know, I should not be the slightest bit concerned about that and focus purely my health – which I am truly doing as that is most important.  But, even though Mark works, my business is my livelihood and I so enjoy it.  This could be a whole blog topic in itself, so to try and sum it up - most of my work is online and trying to get your shop/items found via Google, etc. is a huge job in and of itself.  So, on top of all my hard work to build my successful business, I started worrying (yes, I admit it).  The thought of having to put my shops in ‘Vacation Mode’ – which means that I will be entirely invisible - sort of stressed me out.  Once taken out of VM it takes a good while for Google to pick you back up, so to speak.  So instead, I plastered my basic status all over the place – NOT for pity, but so that my awesome customers and potential customers know about when I’ll be back to work and will be at a slower pace at first. 

I understand there will be pain, etc., and that full recovery takes months up to a year and varies from person to person - as well as motivation and being able to stay positive. It also depends on the type of breast cancer, surgery, treatment, etc.  But mine was found early and as long as the SN biopsy comes back negative, I will be cancer-free and no other treatment necessary.  I think that’s pretty darn good considering what could have happened had I not gone to the doc when I did.

A final note for today... some people are concerned that I will be upset or in shock after surgery because I’m going to be ‘breast-free’, just to say it plain and simple.  I can honestly say that no I’m honestly not upset about that part as I guess I should be.  Of course I’d rather keep them, but it is what it is and I feel that is a small sacrifice to pay for my health.  Yes, I know there will be a variety of emotions, but I will be okay – I have an awesome support system near and far!  I'll save more of this topic for another post.

Peace and Love, Rocki