Full Circle

Life has a funny way of teaching you things in a variety of ways.  For instance, from the time I was a young girl all I wanted was big boobs.  Why?  Maybe it's because society always portrays women as more attractive with big boobs, or boobs period.  I don't really remember why at such a young age I felt like that, but I always had negative body image issues.  

One day while playing cards with my family, my uncle asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  I told him "big boobs!" He and everyone else belly laughed so hard it made me cry.  I believe I was around 10 years old then.  I'm sure you're surprised too, but I did not wake up Christmas morning with big boobs.

During my teen years on up, I was teased with the name "Flatsy Patsy", both at school and home.  I hated it, but didn't speak out about it - just sucked it up and laughed with them.  I actually blamed my sister for me being so flat.  Even though I'm much older than her, I told her she got what I should have had and then some!  We called her "Dolly Parton" for good reason, until she got a breast reduction.  Apparently big boobs are a pain, but I still wanted them.

After having my boys and getting older I got a little bigger, but not like what I wanted.  I SO wished I could afford to have a boob job.  It seemed like every magazine I looked at there was a perfect model figure with big boobs staring at me.  Oh and don't even get me started on bathing suit models! 

Years go by and I still felt the same.  I used to tell Mark if we ever won the lottery that I was getting a boob job.  He would always tell me that I was perfect as is, would love me even if I had nothing, and that I didn't need to have surgery to change the person I was (gosh I love him to pieces!).  Even though I appreciated that, I hated my body and I dreamed of looking different.

So then last year I was hit with breast cancer and boy did that change things.  Puts a whole new perspective on what's important in life.  I'll skip everything else about that part as this post is about me wanting big boobs.  Like, FOREVER! 

A bilateral total mastectomy was immediately scheduled.  Back up... prior to the biopsy diagnosis, besides researching what we could online, Mark and I discussed every itty bitty detail about what was going to happen.  Even though the doc talked to me about it, there was not a single moment that I even considered breast reconstruction, for a variety of reasons.  Mark didn't want it done either and was happy with my decision.  I love that man!

Funny.  All those years of wanting and wishing for bigger boobs, life, in a mean way, gave me an opportunity (for lack of better wording).  I didn't take it.  I didn't want it.  I'm truly happy with my decision and have honestly never looked back.

Rocki - the new and improved Flatsy Patsy!

So here I am today.  Full circle.  Back to being flat as a board (flatter actually) and you know what?  I am happy being me in my own skin. I don't need boobs to define me as a woman.  It's who I am inside that portrays who I am on the outside.  I am more confident and adventurous now than I have ever been in my entire life!  I wear what I want, do not hide from the world and, respectfully, I don't care what people think.  It is my body, not theirs.

Even though I used to want big boobs, I've always HATED bras and only wore them when I had to.  Now I don't have to mess with them ever again.  Oddly enough, I feel free to be me.  That's one of the many things breast cancer has taught me.

While this was my decision, I understand that not all women feel the same and that is obviously okay.  Every woman has the right to choose what is best for her, no matter what it is, and I salute them.

Peace and love,
Rocki